Chastitiy-san, Welcome back.
Uhm, hon? Avoiding pain doesn't help yoiu move through it. How are you supposed to get over the pain and move past it if ya won't even let yourself feel it, you know?
Every wound we get in life is an opportunity for healing - but it's up to us how we deal with our hurt.
Chastitiy-san, with all due respect... I hope that you find a better way. Soon.
Whiskey is not all that ya got right now. You have us, for starts. So talk, if ya need to talk. And if we're not enough support then please, by all means, find someone else to talk with as well. Most towns, even small towns, have grief support groups and various other meetings. You won't find them if you don't look. You won't know how much they can help you unless you try them. If your town has a comedy club, they probably also have comedy classes. If your town has a newspaper, there is hope for a writers club. Volunteer for a local charity - there's tons of them out there and most of them need extra help this time of year. Maybe you'll meet some people who can relate to your challenges or maybe just plain helping others will get you on the path to feeling better about yourself.
I'm very sorry that you're having a rough time but please, for the sake of your lifespan and your kidneys and your lovely creative brain cells and for the sake of everyone who cares about ya - back off the alcohol. Take your sadness and your anger and go to your art. Write some bad poetry, if ya have to. Find something that can be used as a punching bag and take out some of your frustrations that way.
Enough from me for now. But please take better care.